On random nights/mornings like this I'll stay up late and surf the internet quietly in the dark in the corner of my living room.

And often, I'll sit and ponder and bloghop or just stare at a random site cos I'll actually be half asleep with my head rolling off my shoulders. But never mind the latter. I can't believe I just said that.

Sometimes I will also think about things. And when I do think of things, it's usually messy. I have the tendency to have multiple thoughts at once, some of which question each other and contradict the other. Some tend to get so dramatically emotional, I make myself cry for the silliest reasons, just by imagining the possible tragic outcomes. And more often than not I tend to sidetrack so far off, I end up talking about something that has no relevance whatsoever to the thing that I was first talking about. I scare myself at times like these.

Today happens to be a day at which I've thought about love (which is something I don't often like to elaborate about). I once heard that we should draw out our futures in pencil. So that we can make changes as we go along the way. But then again, maybe they haven't discovered the use of correction tape and fluid. But then yet again, using that would be messy. And I wouldn't want that. (I'm starting to sidetrack, see?) Anyway (yes i use alot of anyways in my posts) there are times when I think about the future and yes, as most girls in relationships, we can imagine the typical thought. Marriage, kids, growing old. But the question is always if it actually happens. No, I don't mean to sound like a cynic but really, we will never know what's to happen out there.

And I'm not just talking about how far the relationship goes, but what about life in itself? How much time do we have left?

And today I thought about how it would be to suddenly not be able to call him up and complain about all things unnecessary, to piss the shit out of him with my incessant calls, to bug him as to why he hasn't called me, to make fun of his awful pubic-like thing on his head called hair, to wake him up for subuh, to wake him up for school, to know just how excited he is each time his parents come down to Singapore, to hear his endless complaints and pretend to listen to them (well, sometimes), to know when he thinks he can get away with lying just to surprise me but it turns out to be downright obvious, to have him hold my hand and hold me in his arms, to have someone tease me of the most annoying things, to even argue with him, to go supermarketing with him and browse at random toiletries on sale at watsons.
Forever.
And worst of all, if it happens when it is least expected.

It would be devastating. Just trying to think about it sends shudders and tears.

And these are the times when I feel extra thankful for having him in my life.

But we're only human and it's only a matter of time before you'll see me with an angry post about him or something. It's a vicious cycle.

We can only try to mould the future and try to make it happen but it really is up to Him to decide the path we shall take. People change, but change is constant (ironically).

Therefore I shall embrace the present, cherish and learn from the past and look forward to the future with an open heart and an open mind.

I'll take his hand with mine and lace my fingers through his and hopefully we have blessings from the Almighty.

I love you, Syed Abdul Fattah.
(it's weird to say your full name together with an ' I love you' but I'll bear with it this time)

Ok. I suddenly feel that this whole post is totally redundant cos I just asked myself "What is the purpose of this whole entry at nearly 4 in the morning talking about the future and boyfriend and tears and shit?" and I am clueless.

It's so much easier just telling it to Fattah. He'll understand (or at least will pretend to. Haha)


Ok. I'm so sorry if you've read this pathetic post which I would delete, if I wasn't the type of person who doesn't like to delete entries no matter how idiotic they are. Haha. Bye.